It’s incredibly hard to have faith when everything feels like it’s failing, hurting, or dying. Life can throw challenges at us in a way that seems unbearable, leaving us questioning our strength and purpose.
For me, these past few years have been a whirlwind of trials. My husband has been sick, enduring five years of medication and treatment plans, with countless visits to specialists and being hospitalized for days and even weeks at a time. While I had some support through a few dinners and prayers, day-to-day help was something I had to rely heavily on my young adults to provide. It felt like an impossible balancing act to keep our business thriving while managing all of this.
Then came the end of a business partnership that I had once believed would flourish. Our fowl farm, a dream we nurtured, ultimately succumbed to circumstances beyond our control. As I looked around, I realized that my children had grown into adults, and those moments when I thought, “We still have time,” had slipped away. Time that I had invested in a possible business deal or pursuing ADHD ideas, often for clients who barely knew my middle name.
Reflecting on the past, I felt the sting of wasted moments and the emotional toll of people-pleasing. I had allowed the drama and feelings of others to overshadow my own thoughts and emotions, neglecting my family and myself in the process. My life felt like a funeral for all the “possibilities” I had dreamed of, overshadowing the beauty that God was still offering me.
In my heart, I became good at blaming others for my misfortunes. And while some people truly can be difficult and certain situations are undeniably tough, I came to realize that my decisions were ultimately my own. I had to confront my own role in my circumstances and accept that I had allowed resentment and self-shame to grow within me.
I struggled with my body and health, feeling trapped in a treatment plan that seemed to offer no relief. Those feelings of anger and shame needed to be laid down at the altar of my heart. I recognized that to truly embrace the life God had given me, I had to let go and allow that part of me to die more and more each day.
In the midst of this journey, I found a new passion: Traveling. As a family, we began to explore new places together. I also ventured out with a friend and eventually took my first solo trip to the Tribal House in Tulum, Mexico. This trip was a pivotal moment for me—a week to process my thoughts, hear my own voice, and learn to trust myself again.
Did this journey solve all my problems? Absolutely not. Running away never fixes anything; the issues were still there when I returned. However, taking a break and stepping away from the chaos was necessary for my mental health. It allowed me to seek wisdom and counsel, reminding me that it’s okay to pause and reflect.
Having faith when everything feels lost is an ongoing journey. It requires daily sacrifices and a willingness to confront our inner struggles. As I move forward, I am learning to embrace the life God has for me, one step at a time.